Genesis

a story by

Adam Paimon

Preface

There is not much to add about this story, I hope you enjoy it.

Three remarks for the people who have difficulty in coping with parodies: never forget this is only a story, you or your beliefs are not attacked and never forget to smile.

© 2020-2023 Adam Paimon

www.adampaimon.com

No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced and/or published by means of printing, photocopying or by whatsoever means, without the prior written consent of Adam Paimon.

Genesis

In the beginning, God was playing chess with the Devil. They were sitting in the game room of his heavenly castle, surrounded by walls made of clouds. Evenly spaced on three walls, there were paintings of his favourite angels, while the fourth wall was one big cabinet filled with all kinds of games. In the middle of the room, between God and the Devil, a small table with a chess board was placed. Of course, God played with the white pieces and the Devil with the black pieces.

They often had these meetings, sometimes in Heaven, sometimes in Hell and it was always very enjoyable to pass time like this. They played all sorts of games. Sometimes they played Go or Monopoly or Cluedo (one of the Devils’ favourite games), or any other game they fancied at that moment, because God’s game room contained all games that were, are and will be.

But this time they played chess and the game was taking forever. At some point God said: “We could play on for an eternity, let’s do something else.”

“Like what?” The Devil yawned. He felt he could use some exercise as well.

God sat up and said happily: “Let’s build something! That should be fun. We’ll do a world!”

“Not another world,” the Devil moaned, “that would be like… what, the sixth or something?”

“No, the fifth, if I am right. And I am always right, you know that.” God got to his feet. “We need a name for it, starting with an E, the fifth letter. Let’s call it Earth.”

“Earth?! What kind of name is that?” the Devil sneered.

“It just came to me, and I think it is a lovely name, thank you very much,” God said a bit piqued.

The Devil shrugged. “Whatever, I don’t really care.” He followed God reluctantly to the Universal Creation Area, a large room that was filled with hundreds of hovering doors spaced out in a neat grid across the room, leading to prior and future creation projects.

In the creation room, God passed numerous doors with white plates on them with the word “Finished”, but also a lot with red crosses on them and with signs that said, “Do not enter (ever)”. There were also doors with heavy padlocks and even a few doors that were barred with a wooden beam nailed to the post. Ignoring all their prior experiments, God went straight to a door with a green sign with the word “Empty” written in white letters.

“Ok, how does this work again?” God was standing in front of the door that hovered before him. He pushed against the door and it opened without a sound, revealing a dark room. God and the Devil went through the door.

"We will start with some light. Now where is that light switch?" God mumbled and searched the walls near the doorway that had appeared the moment they passed the threshold.

“Let’s start with water this time,” the Devil said. Seeing the empty creation room and walking past all their previous experiments, he had become enthusiastic about creating a new world. Eager to help and before God could say something, water flowed from the hands of the Devil, where it instantly disappeared in the room.

“We’ll need light to see anything,” God remarked as he found the switch. "And there was light," said God as he flipped the switch. In the centre of the room a whirling ball of water became visible. “There is your water,” God said.

“Always knowing better,” grumbled the Devil.

“It is just a matter of physics,” God said, “if there is no light to bounce back from an object, you can not see the object. You of all should know that, my ‘Prince of Darkness’.” God smiled over his small pun. He always liked his own jokes.

“Now we will decide what is up and what is down,” God looked at the Devil and added, “Shall I create the upper part this time and you the lower part?”

The Devil nodded eagerly. He liked to do the lower dark and hidden places, it was really his thing. They had tried it the other way around the last time and that had turned out a bit weird. Somehow, a dark sky over lava plains full of monstrous creatures didn’t really combine well with the weak peaceful creatures God had made for living underground and inside mountains.

God put some sky around the water and together they constructed land and mountains to their liking. It was a strange sight to behold: God was sitting in the dirt, throwing up pieces of land, moulding hills and forming mountains with a few tools he had conjured. With his small scoop, bucket and sculpting tools, he looked a bit like a bearded child in a playgrounds’ sandbox. The Devil meanwhile, was creating tunnels and underground structures, which more than once complicated the works of God. Just as God had made a nice mountain range, one of the tunnels of the Devil undermined the structure and after a big rumbling collapse, the mountain range was cut in half by a steep ravine. Cries like “What are you doing?!” and “Don’t put that there!” were often heard during the works. It was a bit like the common struggles children have in a shared sandbox, but in the end it was all done.

“Ok, so now we could use some vegetation, “ God said when he stepped back to see the result of his land-creation. The Devil’s head appeared out of a nearby volcano mound, smiling. “It is nice and warm down here,” he said. God sighed. “Glad that you are enjoying yourself,” he said, “but I was just talking about adding some vegetation.”

“O, yes, yes,” the Devil said enthusiastically, “Let’s make things that my fires can burn!”

“Hum, well,” God said, “Just not yet, ok? Let’s wait a bit with the burning of things.”

The Devil looked a bit disappointed at that, but still worked diligently on creating trees and plants. He even started to enjoy himself by creating some very interesting specimens.

“Look!“ the Devil shouted to God, who was creating grasses some distance away. “I made a really big flower that smells of rotting meat! And here, a plant in the form of a penis!”

“What is a penis?” asked God.

“Just an idea in my mind that I am saving for later, “ the Devil said, while he created some flesh-eating plants. God shook his head seeing the things the Devil was making, but he let him work, because all this was the Devil’s creation too.

When the Earth was covered with some green, God said: “Let’s make a day and night cycle, so that it is not always light and not always dark. Give it a bit of both of us, right?” God didn’t wait for the Devil to agree and with his arms he pointed in the skies and placed a sun, a moon and an enormous amount of stars.

“I am a bit confused on this one,” the Devil said thinking. “We already have light, because you flipped the switch. Why do we need a sun, a moon and stars?”

“Well,” God explained, “if this one is successful, I was thinking of releasing it into the wild. How cool would that be? And if we do, it will need its own source of light. Also, can you imagine how high our electricity costs would be if we keep it in here and continue to give them heavenly light?” God pointed to the switch on the wall. “Also, a moon and stars are useful to see something in the dark. If you do not see anything, how can creatures living there find each other or be scared of something in the night?” That was straight up the Devil’s alley.

“Right,” the Devil said nodding, “how can you be scared of something you can not see… Clever.”

God beamed proudly. “Some of my better ideas, indeed,” he said.

“You said creatures,” the Devil interrupted. “Can we create them now?” God gestured with his hand that the Devil could start and turned to making creatures himself too.

The Devil made slimy and slippery creatures for the waters and threw in some poisonous ones as well, just for fun. God started to create flying creatures for the skies, big and small, in beautiful colours and shapes. Sometimes a flying creature fell accidently from the sky and the Devil turned them into fish as well, just to tease God, who each time looked everywhere to find his fallen creature. After a while God noticed the joke of the Devil and quickly made the next fallen flying creatures float on the water. To further annoy the Devil, God took a fish and gave it wings when the Devil was not paying attention.

Then they turned to land. Here they had even more fun. They created multiple species and variations, suitable for all different land types they had created before. Each time God created something beautiful and graceful, the Devil thought up a creature that could kill or eat it. But the Devil also liked to create the creatures of the night, like bats and moths and other animals. He had great fun thinking of different ways the creatures could navigate in the dark and how they could scare other creatures.

And when God was creating some big herbivores, the Devil created the aye-aye, with its big round eyes and enormous middle-finger constantly sticking out his fist. “That’s just wrong,” God sighed, looking at what the Devil created while the Devil fell to the ground laughing.

“I have some more ideas, check this out,” the Devil said. He showed God a creature with a beak, webbed feet, a furry skin and a big flat tail. “The best part is that it lays eggs too!” the Devil laughed.

“And this one drinks blood.” He pointed at a bat-like creature that was crawling on the ground. “But I like these ones best,” he said, caressing a few snakes that clung to his arms. They hissed at God, showing their long fangs dripping with poison.

“You are making a dangerous world with all those poisonous plants and creatures,” God said.

“Yeah, well, I thought it would be a boring world without the possibility of imminent death at every corner,” the Devil responded.

“It certainly makes it all more…. dynamic,” God admitted. But just to be sure, God did create some antidotes and put protective shields and furs on other creatures, because he didn’t want their world to be lifeless in a few turns of the sun.

“Now I am going to make something special,” God said, “We have created so much, now we need a creature that can look at it all, think about it and enjoy.”

“I thought WE were going to look at it and enjoy,” the Devil said.

“Yes,” God said, “that too. I just meant that we would also enjoy looking at a creature that looks and enjoys what we created.” God’s eyes widened and enthusiastically he added: “They can worship us! How cool would that be!”

The Devil grinned. “Sometimes you really have some excellent ideas. And then we can manipulate them, reward them and harm them.”

“Not too much harming, “ said God, “but yes, we can correct them if necessary. It will be like having millions of small pets.” God rubbed his hands together. “Ok, let’s create this creature.”

God took a handful of dirt and moulded a creature, with adding small suggestions by the Devil now and then. When he was done, the Devil laughed: “Look at that big head and those small forelegs. Why is it standing on its hind legs? It will topple over.”

“That’s the big head for, I have put in enough brains to prevent it from toppling over. But it is kind of funny, because if you push it the right way, it will always fall on its head.” God gave the creature of dirt a push and it instantly fell on its head. He grinned.

“Ok, enough,” God said. He put the creature upright. “Do you have any suggestions to add?”

“I had this idea,” the Devil said, “Last time we did the procreation thing by splitting up creatures to create new ones, but let’s make it more fun this time.” The Devil took some dirt and moulded a small snake-like object which he placed between the legs of the dirt creature. “I call it a penis.”

“What is that for?” God said, “It looks kind of stupid.” God slapped the dangling snake to make it wiggle.

“We’ll make two kinds of this creature,” the Devil explained. “One kind with this penis-thing, and the other kind with a hole where the penis fits. If they connect those parts, they can procreate themselves.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” God hesitated, “It seems a nice system, but we should first test if it works.”

“We can try with the other creatures first,” the Devil suggested. God shrugged. “Sure, we’ll see what happens.”

While the Devil got busy dividing the creatures of the world into penis-bearing and hole-owning, God touched the head of his dirt creature. “It lives,” God said and the dirt changed to flesh.

“Who am I?” asked the creature.

“I will call you Adam,” God said.

“Why?” asked Adam.

“Why not?” said God.

Adam thought about that for a moment and then he asked:

“Where am I?”

“You are on Earth,” God said.

“Why?” asked Adam.

“You just are,” said God.

“Why am I here?” Adam asked.

“To amuse the Devil and myself,” God answered.

“Who is the Devil?” Adam asked.

“He is making penises and holes on the other creatures right now, he will be back soon,” God said.

“What is a penis?” Adam asked.

“I was told it is that dangling thing there between your legs.”

“What is it for?”

“Only the Devil knows. It was his project.”

“Who are you?”

“I am God. You could worship me, because I created you.”

“That seems fair.”

“You are a smart man, Adam.”

“Thank you God. I have some more questions.”

And so Adam asked all about himself and Earth, until God said he needed some rest. Meanwhile the Devil had returned from his work. He eyed Adam curiously, but when Adam started to fire new questions at the Devil, God had enough of it.

“That is enough,” he said, “You ask more questions than I can take. The Devil and I have been working hard on that world of yours. Go play and run around, we are going to take a day off.”

God and the Devil left Adam to his world and stepped back through the door into the creation room. God carefully closed the door behind him and put up a sign that said: “Earth - Work in progress”. Together they returned to the game room to finish their game of chess. They sat down and concentrated on their game again, but God was a bit distracted.

“This Adam is driving me crazy with his questions,” God said to the Devil after a while. “And yet, I kind of like the attention.” God stared out of a window and the Devil secretly moved some pieces on the board to his advantage. God turned his attention back to the game and the pieces automatically moved back to their original position. The Devil grimaced.

“Maybe we should give him something to do?” the Devil suggested. “When he is busy, he doesn’t have time for questions. And when he is exploring we can see if he is suitable to live on Earth.”

God moved a chess piece. “Check,” he said. “Yes, you are right. But to see how he does in that world, we need to protect him a little from all those dangers you created. I am actually a bit worried he is already getting himself killed right now. It would be a waste if he accidentally got killed before we see if it is not a failure. We have only one of it.” The Devil didn’t answer because he was looking at the chess board with a wrinkle on his forehead. Finally, he moved a piece.

“And checkmate,” God said, moving his pawn. “I know what to do. I will build him a cage, then we can put him away from harm. He can live there and we can see how he does. A cage is also useful if he gets too annoying and we have to get rid of him for a time.”

So God created a lovely garden with all nice and safe things, like scenting flowers without thorns, soft grass and rounded corners. There were trees with fruit and bushes with berries and some freshwater rivers. The garden was walled by an impenetrable hedge, towering 5 meters high. In this garden, God placed Adam. “Here you will have everything you need and you will be safe. Don’t try to leave your personal paradise, it is not safe out there,” God said.

This arrangement worked quite well for years. God and the Devil had enough room outside the garden to play around and to do stuff that would be dangerous to Adam, like causing earthquakes, floods and volcanic eruptions. They made some species go extinct, they experimented with new ones and they played freely on their world. Meanwhile, Adam was happy in his garden, because he found all that he needed and there was no wish or need in his heart.

But after some years all corners of the garden were discovered, all wonders were seen and all tastes were tasted. Adam did not grow older, he was just always the same. He became bored. And when he was bored, all sorts of questions came to his mind. Why did he stay the same year after year? Where could he go to discover something? What was out there in the world? How could he experience something new? And what the hell was this snake-like thing between his legs for? He could dangle it around, hit some trees with it, he could pee with it, but those were the only things he found he could do with it.

The Devil was listening to his thoughts, as the Devil always has ears for signs of malcontent. So the Devil came to Adam when he was once again wondering about the snake-thing and said: “That is a penis and I had some plans with it, but God wants to wait a bit before making it functional.”

“What would be its function anyway?” Adam asked.

“Well,” the Devil said, “it has been in an experimental phase for some years with the creatures outside the garden. I believe it is a big success. The idea is that you can make more of yourself if you combine your penis…” Adam looked confused. “That snake-like thing,” the Devil said, “I call that a penis.” Adam nodded.

“So, the idea is that you can procreate by combining your penis with the hole of another creature of your kind, “ the Devil finished.

“But I am alone,” Adam said. The Devil looked at him. “So you are, maybe you can ask God to make another you. But make sure it has a hole this time, otherwise it won’t work.”

So Adam prayed to God for another him, with a hole. And God listened, because God may not listen to malcontent, he does listen to prayers.

“I already heard from the Devil that you need a companion,” God said and he thought for a moment, scratching his head. “I guess we can arrange that, we indeed have seen promising results from the other creatures on this planet. But it will cost you a rib, because I need something from you to create something that looks like you.” Adam accepted, because a rib is not much to give away.

God got to work and before Adam, the loveliest of creatures appeared. Just like him, and yet not the same.

“I took the liberty to add some details,” God said, pointing at the two bulges on the chest of the creature, “It will be easier to see the difference between the types.”

Adam was very happy with his companion. He called here Eve and he loved all details about her, because God had put them there.

“I will leave it up to the Devil to explain to you what you should do together. He thought the system up,” God said.

Outside the garden, God said to the Devil. “I am wondering how this will turn out. It is always a risk to give creatures the power of procreation.”

“It will be fine,” the Devil said. “The other creatures have managed as well, right?”

“Yes, but they have enemies that control their numbers, you made sure of that,” God replied.

And indeed, God was right. It turned out that Adam and Eve quite liked to procreate. So much actually, that they didn’t do much else after the Devil had explained to them how it worked. Each time Adam and Eve combined their penis and hole, a new baby emerged, forcing God to limit the procreation rate to one (or two) in 9 months. But still, the garden became fuller and fuller. And all those new creatures needed to eat and play. Things broke, trees became ravaged by climbing and plucking fruits, faeces and garbage was piling up and the fresh rivers became filthy.

God warned them to be gentle with his garden and suggested they would get some nice hobbies, like playing board games instead of procreating, but it was of no avail. When God visited after some years, his lovely garden was ravaged. Trees had been chopped down to create houses for the growing numbers. Flowers were smashed and trampled by hordes of children, and the soft grass had turned into a muddy mess in which more children played. Adam looked unnervingly thin, with big wild eyes and a nervous tick in his right eye. God saw him look around for a short moment and then swiftly retreat back into his cabin, back into bed with Eve, who didn’t bother to get up anymore.

Angry at so much lack of care for his garden, God decided to kick them out. Anxious that these creatures would completely ravage the Earth outside of the garden, God first limited their lifespan and caused them to age before he let them go. And the Devil introduced viruses, bacteria and illnesses to the world to control their numbers.

When God expelled Adam’s family from the garden he said to them: “Go forth and find places to live, but watch out for the dangers of this world. Outside the garden you will age, you will be mortal and you can become ill. But you made a mess of my garden, so you will have to find your own way now. If you need anything, you can pray to me or the Devil. If we want to help you, we will.”

Adam and Eve didn’t really understand what they had done wrong. “Why do we need to go if we only followed the instructions you as our creators have given us,” said Adam to God and the Devil. “We lived in your garden and used the tools you gave us, was that wrong?”

“O shut up,” God said, “Maybe we made a mistake, maybe we were wrong in creating you, who cares? We are in charge here, now get out!”

And so Adam and Eve and their flock of relatives spread over the Earth and God and the Devil left the Earth to care for itself. In the creation room, they pushed the Earth out into the void and left it hovering there. With a sigh of relief, God and the Devil looked at each other.

“I don’t know what will become of this Earth,” God said. “I guess we should visit now and then to correct it a bit along the way.”

The Devil nodded. He could definitely see some opportunities to correct things on Earth.

They closed the door and replaced the “work in progress”-sign with a sign that read “Earth (corrections constantly necessary)”. Together, they returned to the game room.

“What do you think of a nice game of Cluedo?” God proposed. The Devil nodded. It was just what he fancied right now.